Free Glide

Want to know how to use direct-response in your personal
life, for your next romantic “Hook-Up”?

I saw this posted somewhere on a marketing board a long time
ago and I thought it’d give you a good laugh going into
your weekend.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and
say, “I’m fantastic in bed.”

That’s Direct Marketing.

You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome
guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at
you, says, “She’s fantastic in bed.”

That’s Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get
his telephone number. The next day you call and say, “Hi,
I’m fantastic in bed.”

That’s Telemarketing.

You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and
straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a
drink. You say “May I?” and reach up to straighten his tie,
brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then
say, “By the way, I’m fantastic in bed.”

That’s Public Relations.

You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to
you and says, “I hear you’re fantastic in bed.”

That’s Brand Name Recognition.

You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into
going home with your friend.

That’s a Sales Rep.

Your friend can’t satisfy him so he calls you.

That’s Tech Support.

You’re on your way to a party when you realize that there
could be handsome men in all these houses you’re passing.
So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the
center and shout out at the top of your lungs, “I’m
fantastic in bed!”

That’s SPAM!

Now go sell something,

Craig Garber
http://www.KingOfCopy.com

P.S. Check out all the prior archives you’ve been
missing, right here at:
http://www.kingofcopy.com/tips/tiparchives.html

If you want to know how to consistently attract a steady stream of fresh new prospects, who are pre-qualified, eager, and excited about buying from you, then Craig Garber — recognized by his peers as America’s Top Direct-Response Copywriter — can show you exactly how to do this, step-by-step. Garber’s written winning promotions across a HUGE variety of industries and you can see them all for yourself on his website at http://www.kingofcopy.com

Copyright The Quipping Queen 2006.

10 THINGS NOT TO DO IN MARCH

Or, how to enjoy more jocularity

Sherlock Tidpit is a remarkable rumpus-room monitor, and even more impressive, he’s a rule-of-thumb rapscallion with a very skewed assessment of reality, (which among other things makes him a very valuable vestigial remnant in the Court of the Quipping Queen).

“March” is the fourth month of the Gregorian calendar.

In Latin “March” means to “walk forth”. So, if you don’t like shilly-shallying or sallying forth, aren’t really into “March Madness”, and aren’t prepared to worship the Roman God of war “Mars”, you might want to skip this month altogether.

And if truth be told, 52 per cent of prospective parents at a certain baby naming website voted against foisting this middling moniker known as “March” upon their offspring.

Those who wish to enjoy the jolly spirit of jocularity should do everything in their power to avoid engaging in any of the following fruitless things this month.

1. Banging, bopping or breaking things, and creating calamity just because you feel like flexing your mighty muscles, playing King of the Castle, or ruling the Universe; after all, this isn’t a great way to win friends and influence people since there’s always someone out there with a bigger and better billy-club who’s bound to knock you off your Humpty-Humpty pedestal when you’re not looking - then splat, splotch, or whatever all over the place - and no one prepared to patch up your DNA or pick up your 1001 pieces!

2. Making any feudal obligations, you’re not prepared to keep forever and ever like asking for the hand of someone in marriage, using floss every day to keep Evil Gingivitis at by or agreeing to take out the garbage for the rest of your life here on planet earth.

3. Can’t imagine being “Mad as a Hatter” or “Mad as a March Hare” - just never agree to play these pathetic pet parts in a dysfunctional drama like “Alice In Wonderland!”

4. On March 8th, avoid casually ogling or waving in a royal manner to members of the female gender, they may think you’re harassing them on “International Women’s Day”!

5. This may be the birth sign month of Mars-ruled, fire-eaters like Aries, but resist the temptation to play with someone who’s brash, impulsive, doesn’t listen, exercises poor judgment, always needs to be “top dog”, and is blind to his or her effect on others. Frankly, Scarlet or Scottie, you can do way better by mixing with other classy cosmic critters!

6. On March 15th, beware of the “Ides of March”, by brushing off any dodgy business deals involving money-laundering with any member of a career offender cartel, respectfully pass up invitations to attend any impromptu toga parties, or listen to any half-baked hocus pocus from a fortune-teller who reads tea leaves and examines the insides of toads.

7. On “St. Patrick’s Day”, March 17th, refuse to wear green attire of any kind including boxer shorts or thongs, and turn down an enticement to eat or drink anything green in color no matter how many times your doctor, fitness trainer or your significant other tells you it’s good for you!

8. Men may come from Mars and women from Venus, but best way to hook up with destiny’s darling is to wait patiently for another 11 months when courteous Cupid, cavorting Casanova or perhaps that cute Cat next door will come knocking for a very naughty night out on the town!

9. Hanging around Numerology nudniks, (especially those with a passion for number 7) can be a tad exhausting; you know, the typical ones who adore analyzing things to death, mystify why apples always fall from the tree on me, and tend to focus on the big picture while forgetting about what to prepare for dinner tonight…unless you’re a family-friendly furry one named Fido or Fifi!

10. On March 20th, (the first official day of Spring), do not tell everyone you’re responding to the call of nature by building a privy or prancing about in your blessed birthday suit!

Appearing naked in other people’s dreams is a concept which occurred to me as I woke up this morning from a dream in which I was naked. It’s about time someone added this important idea to our literary and cultural heritage.

Advantages to appearing naked in other people’s dreams seem infinitely numerous, but I’ll limit the possibilities. When appearing naked in other people’s dreams, it’s preferable to use one’s “power” for good and not evil.

If you’ve ever been naked in a dream of your own, you’re aware of how vulnerable you feel at the time — especially if you’re standing naked at a major intersection during rush hour. Wouldn’t it be nice if someone came by to stand next to you? If there were another naked person standing next to you, you’d feel much more confident of standing naked in the middle of the street while automobile traffic swirls around you. You could even engage in conversation with your guest, and the act of engaging in a lighthearted discussion would distract you from your embarrassment.

Many married couples could also benefit from the experience of appearing naked in one another’s dreams. At night, if you’re more interested in sleep than in your libido, it would be an opportune time to ask your spouse to make a naked appearance in your dreams. You could engage in the glorious art of love-making while you’re both sleeping heavily. Any anatomical problems suffered while awake could be corrected in the dream, and at the speed of thought (which is arguably faster than light).

Don’t want kids? No money? No time? No desire to change diapers? No good schools in your area? No problem! Having sex with your spouse while dreaming is perfectly safe. A snowball in hell would have a better chance of conception, and you’ll save bundles of your hard-earned money on contraceptive devices. Be creative if you’d really like an heir: Have a child in the dream, win the lottery shortly after the birth, hire a maid to change the diapers, become President of the city council and have a school built in your back yard. Hire as many police officers as you’d like to watch the school. If you’re still feeling stressed from the financial and temporal burden of children, don’t worry! You’ll either wake up from the dream, or the child will turn 18 before the dreams ends.

While appearing naked in other people’s dreams, don’t underestimate the power of giving them visions. Visions are an effective way to get the other person to achieve goals you’d like to see him or her accomplish. Alternatively, selfish reasons are a driving force within humanity, and provide a good incentive for giving people visions.

Most people deserve a raise at work. Give your employer a vision. Appear naked in one of his dreams, and remember to properly announce yourself. First, inform him that they are having a vision. If you fail to do that, your success rate of giving people visions will not achieve the maximum potential.

After you’ve completed step one, proceed to request a raise for yourself. Don’t be greedy. I’m sure your co-workers are equally deserving of a raise. Before you speak on behalf of your co-workers, however, make sure you’ve qualified yourself for a raise. After all, you’re special, and there’s only one you.

If your employer doesn’t seem convinced he’s having a vision, tell him something only you would know. Think back to any private conversations you’ve had with him. If that method of persuasion proves ineffective, fall back on threats. Don’t worry about committing acts of violence — you’ll only be bluffing. If threats don’t work, try performing miracles. Be creative though — don’t perform a miracle that’s already been used in the Bible, Koran, Torah, or any other popular spiritual manuscript.

Are you the boss? Give your employees visions so they’ll be more accepting of lay-offs, cuts in pay, or slave labor. If you break the law, however, be prepared to give visions to federal agents and any other law enforcement officials you may encounter.

Parents, are your children misbehaving? Are you unhappy with their grades? Is your teenager paying too much money for drugs? Apply similar principles for giving them visions, and soon you’ll have the perfect child you’ve always dreamt about.

Anyone reading to this point has probably waited for an important question to be answered, “How do I appear naked in other people’s dreams?” Deeply apologetic, I confess I don’t have the answer. Had I been born a science fiction writer I could easily provide that crucial piece of information. I don’t know when the instructions will become available, but when it does, you’ll need this article for reference. Please print a copy and retain it for your records.

by Andy Alt
Mental Dimensions Humor Ezine

http://www.mentaldimensions.com/
Warped minds can come here for observational humor, comedy editorials, farce, satire and spoof

There comes daily in the life of an old man who has retired and is continually in the presence of his wife-instead of at work where he belongs-the challenge to answer her questions. Remember, old people forget easily so that is to our advantage.

Questions come in many forms and at odd times. It can drive a man crazy trying to think of a short wife-shoo-away answer on the spot. It’s better to be prepared with some stock answers.

Also, a man needs some extracurricular activities to keep him out of the house as much as possible. I for example have two horses. I can always tell my wife I’m going out to check on them. One is north of town and the other is south of town so I can go any direction I want to.

As some of you know, these horses were given to me by my friends. They feed the horses, clean the stall, pay the vet bills, exercise them and groom them or whatever else a horse needs. I just want to say I have a horse. They agreed to this so for all worthy-excuse purposes, I have horses. My grandkids like to go out and see my horses.

I’m in the process of building my herd to five critters. I told me wife this so I can always say, “I’m going to see a man about a horse.”

Here are some stock answers to give your wife:

Answer: I agree with you. Go ahead and do whatever you decided.

Answer: Nope. Did you write it down?

Answer: Yes, I think you did that.

Answer: Go ahead and send it. It won’t hurt if he (or she) gets two cards (presents, invitations).

Answer: I’m just kidding (joshing).

Answer: That may be the way it plays out.

Answer: Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Answer: You always look gorgeous to me.

Answer: It’s only money.

Answer: Sure I want to go with you. Right now?

Answer: No I never heard that choice tidbit.

Answer: She (or he) did!

Answer: I’ll be with you in a minute.

Answer: Yes that is a lovely bird (flower, tree).

Answer: I’ll have to look that up for you on Google or Ask.

Answer: Some people just have everything.

Answer: It could well rain (snow, hail, sleet) today.

Answer: I’ll get right on it tomorrow.

Answer: Oh, sorry! Today (tomorrow, that) is my fishing (hunting, golfing, kayaking, archery) day.

Answer: We can do that as soon as my treasure ship (Brinks truck) docks.

Answer: Yes, I still love you and I always will.

Answer: No, if anything it makes you look much thinner.

Answer: You look good in any color, especially (red, green, blue, mauve, burgundy, chartreuse, yellow, polka dots, stripes).

Answer: Sure we can go out. How about lunch (breakfast)? Would you like Mexican (Chinese, the Golden Coral), or we could go to that expensive place if you want a less expensive birthday present.

Answer: You want to go on a cruise? Great! Me too! Now which line had a pandemic (fire, murder, pirates)?

And remember that if you take my advice and start building a herd of horses you will always be able to say, “I’m going to see a man about a horse.”

Funny Answers Kids Gave on Science Tests

To see some funny answers that kids gave on science test go to http://www.bedavaingilizce.com/reading/funny_answers.htm

For example:

Most houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.

Christ’s main followers were the twelve opossums.

The general direction to the Alps is straight up.

H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.

Funny Answers from Family Fortunes (England):

Family Fortunes is called Family Feud in our country. To see funny answers go to
http://www.funny.co.uk/stuff/art_172-1271-Family-Fortunes-Funny-Answers.html

Here are some examples:

Name an occupation where you need a torch.

A burglar!

Name a dangerous race.

The Arabs!

Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers.

A horse!

Name something that floats in the bath.

Water!

Copyright ©2006 John T. Jones, Ph.D.

John T. Jones, Ph.D. (tjbooks@hotmail.com, a retired VP of R&D for Lenox China, is author of detective & western novels, nonfiction (business, scientific, engineering, humor), poetry, etc. Former editor of Ceramic Industry Magazine. He is Executive Representative of IWS sellers of Tyler Hicks wealth-success books and kits. He also sells TopFlight flagpoles. He calls himself “Taylor Jones, the hack writer.”

More info: http://www.tjbooks.com

Business web site: http://www.aaaflagpoles.com